Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
