This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
