I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
