Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
