i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
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You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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