Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
