Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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