Michael Bay diarrhea
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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