how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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