I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i dont even know how to be here
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
