Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
