ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
