I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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