I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
