I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money