I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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