and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
