I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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