My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
