I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
