Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
