Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Randomize
