I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
