You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
