WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
