No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
