You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
