I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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