You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
