Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
