Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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