i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
