I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
How external is "for external use only"?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
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i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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