my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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