I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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