why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
