clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
