So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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