cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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