I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
