Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
