I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
