They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
