Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
