Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
