How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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