sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
