I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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