Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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