All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
