she told me i tasted like america
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
