Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
