A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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