My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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