I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
