I wish I only lived at night.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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