thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I love having hate sex.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
