Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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