I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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