anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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