It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
