Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
