Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
