You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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