A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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