I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
