Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
