thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I pour the whiskey from now on
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
