I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
